Jul 13 2016

If “The Why Stage” Causes an Actual Nervous Breakdown, Please Send Help

If “The Why Stage” Causes an Actual Nervous Breakdown, Please Send Help

Well, I thought we missed it.

I thought The Why Stage would happen right around two-ish, when kids are SUPPOSED to drive you crazy, when language is shiny and new and words that are monosyllabic get preferential treatment. After P turned three a few months ago and it still hadn’t happened, I kicked back in my imaginary chair with an imaginary, umbrella-d Mai Tai and laughed and pointed at alllll the imaginary people.

WE MISSED IT, SUCKERS! You had to answer all those unanswerable questions, and look at me over here sipping my beverage! FLAWLESS. VICTORY.

And then along came almost-three-and-a-half. She woke up one morning, asked “Why?” when I told her to put on her pants, and it hasn’t stopped since.
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Dec 27 2015

One More Sunday By Melissa Bowers and Joseph Booth

<span class="entry-title-primary">One More Sunday</span> <span class="entry-subtitle">By Melissa Bowers and Joseph Booth</span>

“Did I ever tell you the one about the skeleton key?” he asked, leaning back in his chair and folding his hands.

Yes, Papa,” I said.

If Grandma was the giving, earnest matriarch of the family, Papa was the storyteller. His job as a private investigator amassed him many a tale, starring everything from cheating spouses to ghosts. He cheerfully, heartily embellished until the line was blurred: in true Big Fish style, we sometimes wondered which of his fantastical anecdotes was rooted in reality.
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Dec 17 2015

6 Surefire Ways Your Baby Will Save You Money

6 Surefire Ways Your Baby Will Save You Money

Newborns are notorious money-suckers. As I’ve mentioned before, you need GEAR. Even before that precious little bundle arrives, you will likely get swindled into spending approximately eight gazillion dollars on everything from furniture to itty bitty onesies to diapers (cloth or disposables? Discuss! …Just kidding. Worm can: opened).

Now that the holiday season is upon us, it might be a relief to know that your infant can actually save you money in all sorts of surprising ways. For the first few months post-baby, you can go ahead and budget far less in each of the following areas:

1. Pants. In general, pants are uncomfortable. Postpartum, they’re just absurd. Whether you’re caring for a C-section wound or just can’t button the damn things anymore, it’s time to shove anything with a zipper to the far reaches of your closet. Eventually it might be necessary to venture out and acquire some new ones, because birthing hips — but not right now, or for a long while. Plus, when you’re strapped to a couch feeding an infant every two hours, there’s really no need for pants. Or, you know, clothes in general. Wardrobe shopping sprees have been rendered pointless! And guess what that equates to? Savings.

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Nov 30 2015

No Negativity November: the Debriefing

No Negativity November: the Debriefing

As this month wound to a close, I thought it would be funny to stage a meeting with Al in order to evaluate the efficacy of No Negativity November.

Earlier this evening, I approached him with an administrative-looking clipboard and set my phone on a nearby table. “It’s time to debrief,” I told him.

“What do you mean? Debrief about what?”

“It’s very official.”

“You’re still in your sweatpants.”

“Absolutely,” I said. “Now, I’m going to record this interview, okay? I will report this verbatim.”

He played along. I knew he would. I also knew he had exactly zero idea what was going on, as he doesn’t read my blog. Luckily, he seemed amused. I pressed record. Continue reading

Oct 31 2015

It’s Halloween Day

It’s Halloween Day

I’ve never in my life experienced an eighty-degree Halloween — but then again, I’ve never experienced Halloween in California.

P didn’t care WHAT the temperature was. She has been counting down the seconds until she could wear her Elsa dress. This morning, when I went to get her out of bed, she knew the time had come.

“It’s Halloween day?!” she gasped. Everything is a day — she says things like morning day and evening day instead of just “in the evening.” No idea where she got that, but it kills me. Continue reading